Fuck everything

bitchbabejen @ 2006-11-11T03:32:00

2006-11-11T10:32:25Z

after a torturous week, i came home tonight disappointed and ready to sleep for at least twelve hours.

obviously that was not the plan because
1) midnight mission jenn decided i needed to come get here
2) we went to get a midnight meal
3) realized we definitely didnt have enough money to pay the check
4) put what we had down and boned the fuck out.

this is completely unlike me. im relatively good/legal.

so after i stop giggling because we were already heading waaaay far down a main street before the fatty waitress came running out the door.. i drop off jenn.

i take a weird way home because i dont want to drive back past the food joint, when i see this car heading like straight at me and i am like, what the fuck do i do, my options are to swerve into other oncoming traffic, brake, or try to get the fuck out of the way.

luckily i dont have to do any of these because the dumbass durango driver swerved even more and hit a fire hydrant, soaking my car, both inside and out, of course my window was down at two am, why would it EVER be closed..

so, in short, i left my house at shortly before 1am bummed out and tired.
and arrived home at 2:15am happy/nervous/giddy/exhausted. and am going to sleep. thank you jenn for a memorable evening.

bitchbabejen @ 2006-09-25T21:13:00

2006-09-26T04:15:47Z

Yeeeeeah. Not as bad as it could be, but the entire drivers side of my car needs to be replaced. the largest estimate came to $6,300. Something about my car maybe being considered totalled because the frame is bent.. who knows. Thank god someone hit me and I'm not paying for this myself.

NEVER MY FAULT!

bitchbabejen @ 2006-07-04T17:59:00

2006-07-05T00:59:49Z

happy fourth of july.

life isnt what it used to be, and I am completely fine with that. <3

wondering.

2006-01-14T07:22:11Z

New Years Update.

-My new years was okay. Nothing spectacular.
-My 21st birthday was horrible. There's no going beyond that. I went to jury duty. and that was the highlight of the entire day.
-I got a tattoo on my foot that got infected, leaving me gimpy and out of work for a week. Leaving me more..
-Broke. Broker than usual, since I pretty much had two weeks off because of jury duty + my stupid foot.
-I got into a fight with my mom, and anyone who knows how close I am with my mom will realize that when I say we haven't talked in four days knows that that is a really, really long time.

I cared about someone who hurt me. Repeatedly. Call me drama, call me whatever the fuck you want. I'm twenty-one years old and I'm not perfect. I put myself out there and wasn't even noticed. I didn't ask for anything besides respect and some common decency. I didn't want anything beyond a friendship, despite whatevers gone on for however many years. Knowing you on a 'friend' level would make me reject ever wanting anything besides a good laugh and an occasional decent fuck. You're a great person, well, you're a great person towards those who you feel have earned the right to be treated nicely by you. Everyone else doesn't matter. I always wondered who you thought you were to act with such disdain for people who don't fit the mold of whatever is it you seek out. I guess it's not my job to judge you either.

My question is: does the fact that I still care about someone who hurt me and want only the best for them despite however it makes me feel finally make me a grown up, or does it make me a fool?

Now that I've written this I don't even know if I want the answer.
+Don't assume you know who this is about. The truth might surprise you.+

=)

2005-07-05T18:09:20Z

Fourth of July was amazing. A little scary, but still great.
Life has not felt this good for a really, really long time.

Finally.

I never update, so here's a quick summary- I bought a brand new car, moved into my own house with Erica and Matt. Matt moved out a few weeks ago. Not too bummed about it, it's for the better. I work a ton, I sleep a little, and I hang out as much as possible. The end.

mmm

2005-01-25T03:24:27Z

so matt and i are broken up at the moment.
im not sure what protocol to follow when you live with someone and break up.

im pretty much dying inside.
they should give a handbook for dealing with difficult people.
lessons for love
how to handle it when your fantasies turn into tragedies
and your whole life turns upside down.

heh.

2005-01-20T00:07:59Z

i tried to post a blog on myspace. but it wouldnt work. ill probably copy paste later.

i am seriously pissed off at everything and anything for absolutely no reason right now. i dont feel well, i haven't slept well in ages, i haven't had a day off in as long as i can remember. life is bringing me down and its bringing me down fast. i thought having a second job would make it easier to survive, just because i would have more money. i'm discovering that if i work so much i dont have time to spend the money i earn.. it's just as pointless as not having it in the first place.

i hate the way things ended up with me and matt. i believed that childhood fantasy that lasted into my twenties that we would end up together no matter what, through thick and thin, we've both said it. "No matter what." "You should be next to me always." I think we even promised we would never break up once, but what good are promises when anything you have said prior has no meaning. Our entire relationship has been built on a series of lies, or misconceptions, on both our ends,

and I am completely sick of it.

-I am sick of feeling like this.
-I am sick of crying.
-I am sick of not eating.
-I am sick of being yelled at.
-I am sick of being a shell of who I used to be. I remember back to how I was in high school and even after high school, and I was FUN. People wanted to be around me. Now I'm not so sure.
-I am sick of learning things I never wanted to know.
-I am sick of doing things for people I care for only to learn they never gave a fuck.
-I am sick of finding out people's true personalities are nothing lose to what they put out there.
-I am so tired. My body aches twenty four hours a day.
-I have had a headache for an all time record of seven days, falling asleep in pain and waking up in pain do not make for the start of a good day.
-My car is broken, again. Here goes another $600.
-I registered for school, but cant afford to pay for it because I have to pay for my car. Lovely that when I finally get my act together to go to school, I can't.

Pluses for the past few months.
+I quit smoking, pretty much. It makes me throw up to smoke now. Weird how that happened.
+I've been talking to Cortney all day and even though I was crying it was so nice to talk to someone who didn't judge me while I explained myself.

I'm pretty sure that's it.
I miss Matt so much. I miss who he was, I miss who I was. I miss what we were together before we both became monsters. I miss waking up to someone who held me even tighter the second I tried to get up. I miss cuddling for hours and kisses and hugs. I miss a happy home. He sleeps next to me and it's become a million miles away.

bitchbabejen @ 2004-11-27T22:24:00

2004-11-28T06:23:26Z

being this unhappy is really painful.

Ughh...

2004-11-25T01:08:13Z

I hardly ever update livejournal anymore.
I guess having no time, plus people to talk to in real life kind of takes away from venting online.
Plus, I think I know most of my lj friends in real life.
Starbucks finally told me they were promoting me.
Idiots.
My office manager/receptionist job at the Yoga and Pilates Center rocks more than I could ever explain... I think having to much time to "myspace it up" as my friend said, and talk to people didn't do me good.
It really sucks when someone you thought you could be great friends with suddenly treats you like nothing. I guess real caring comes later, so it's easy to write people off. I wouldn't really know.

Found my horoscope interesting. Sort of.
Dear Jennifer,
Here is your horoscope
for Wednesday, November 24:

Love affairs will be unusual, spontaneous and highly exciting -- all of which may leave you feeling a bit unsettled. Don't let it get to you. Enjoy the unpredictability, and just let go.

Ughh. I'm tired of talking.
Ps- I hate holidays when I'm feeling like shit.

Grrrrr.

2004-08-09T05:39:51Z

So I sat wondering almost all day why I act the way I do most of the time.
After tequila night and the revelation that being with you isn't exactly on the top of my list anymore, I wonder what leads me to call you each day, to see you each day, and to still yearn to be next to you.

Sure, us together makes sense.
It's been so long, and we've been through so much.
And we care. We both care so much.
So maybe 'trying it for a week' wouldn't hurt either of us.
But would it benefit you? Probably.
But would it benefit me? Probably.
We've lived in this land of in between for so long, I've convinced myself being one or the other wouldn't really make a difference.
Except it would. It would make a huge difference.
I'm a big believer in the 'people are only honest when they are drunk' idea.
So maybe that's what you are.
And your everyday life is your own lie.
You think you know what's right for you.
But life gets so old without meaning.
You are a huge part of my meaning.
Why can't I be yours?

sigh

2004-07-26T07:57:10Z

each time i hear this one person jumps into my mind and flops around like a fish out of water.

"Comfortable"

I just remembered, that time at the market
snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart
And rode down, aisle 5
you looked behind you to smile back at me
crashed into a rack full of magazines
they asked us if we could leave.

Can't remember, what went wrong last September
But I'm sure that you'd remind me, if you had to

Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in

I sleep with this new girl i'm still getting used to
my friends all approve, say she's gonna be good for you
they throw me, high fives

She says the bible is all that she reads
and prefers that I not use profanity
your mouth was, so dirty

Life of the party
and she swears that she's artsy
but you could distinguish
Miles from Coltrane

Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in
she's perfect, so flawless
or so they say, say

She thinks I can't see the smile that she's fakin'
and poses for pictures that aren't being taken
I loved you
grey sweat pants, no makeup, so perfect

Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in
she's perfect, so flawless
I'm not impressed, I want you back

Except I don't want you back, you treated me like shit. but reminiscing is okay.

Well maybe I do have something to write about..

2004-07-16T00:20:30Z

1) Work sucks, there is a lot of drama and a lot of shit talking. But I suppose that when you put people different kinds of people together, they are going to form their own cliques, based on the most ridiculous things. Being the youngest employee there and one of the most mature leads me to not want to be a pretentious asshole, despite the joy found in lowering to the level of others.
2) I've been offered a job in Vail, Colorado for the winter season. A free place to live, unlimited skiing and snowboarding all season, plus great wages without having to pay for much of anything. It seems too good a deal to pass up, but I know there are people here I would miss more than I can even understand. But I'm realizing a lot about myself, and think it will probably just be another growing experience. That's all this year has been. I feel like I went from eighteen to twenty-five on my nineteenth birthday. And even at twenty-five, I don't know if I could have handled this horrible year any better.
3) And okay, call it illegal. Call it spiteful, call it being retarded or jealous or bored, but I was reading some of my ex's email and in a letter to the girlfriend right before me, a sentence containing "yeah I broke up with that trendy little pretty girl, SHE WASN'T MY TYPE!!" was within the message. Now, okay. Trendy isn't exactly a compliment, but if he was trying to put me down, I'd say he failed.

http://www.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=451432&Mytoken=20040715172038

add me on myspace if you are there <3

ughhh

2004-06-29T01:55:27Z

i have a feeling i'm going to be dicked out of $347.87.
we'll see.
if there is a way to get money back from someone who owes it to you, someone let me know.

Josh cracks me up

2004-06-23T20:41:34Z

Conversations with Josh can always make my day

***: get a suger daddy?
***: you should hook up with some old guy thats like 99 and is going to die in a week or so and have him put you in the will
I3itchbabejen: omg
I3itchbabejen: youre so digsusting
I3itchbabejen: YOU DO IT
***: hey anna nicole did it
***: now she is rich
I3itchbabejen: i dont care!!!! thats so gross
I3itchbabejen: OLD BALLS!
***: Id do it if the guy is going to die in a few weeks and is going to leave me lots of money......yeah id service him for those last moments for that cash
I3itchbabejen: oh josh. =(
***: he would say to me.... You are the best woman I have ever been with.... Little dose he know that I am a man but he is just to old to tell the diffrence
I3itchbabejen: how would he do you?
I3itchbabejen: you know what, nevermind.
***: you know what I got that all planed out see I would go to the local pet store and get somethign that is female. HE wouldent know ti would be dark
I3itchbabejen: you scare me

and then later

***: if your not emo then we will make you emo *josh looks at emo girls very afraid* Quick hold him down and stab him with this razor blade till he crys and then when he crys he can be emo too
***: they are takeing over
***: must...stop...it

I wish I had something more important to post about rather than posting conversations. But life is good, people are back from college, and I am having fun <3

I feel like...

2004-06-12T20:05:38Z

You were incessently smashing my face into the ground
I kept begging you to stop, and finally
You did.
But only for long enough to laugh and spit in my wounds before doing it again.
-----
An uninvolved being has felt it necessary
To take other people's responsibilities and lives
Into their own hands
Someone who yearns to play God,
Will ruin perfection
And alter beauty
And create a monster of the world.
-----
I am constantly fearful of something
Fearing becoming no one
Or becoming someone.
Fearing someone who claims they love me
For it is always conditional.
Fearing having nothing to look forward to
When everything is dark anyway.
Fearing being all consumed by fear
But it seems I'm already there.
-----
Hurt always follows me when you are around
And the cigarette you always hold between your fingers
Has burned hate into my soul
I despise you
And I wish that was enough.
-----

ARGH

2004-06-04T21:38:04Z

I work tonight from 4:45p-12:45a

Which really wouldn't be that bad, if I didn't have to be back at work at 5:00a the next morning! YAY for four hours and fifteen minutes between shifts!

I guess I can't complain, I took the extra shift tonight to help cover bills.
Speaking of bills, my cell phone totally fucked me over.
When I signed up for the plan, the guy told me it was a promotional thing, for $39.99 a month I would get 1000 anytime minutes and UNLIMITED nights and weekends. A $250 bill later, I had 600 minutes, no nights and weekends free. Yeahhhhh, I am pissed, to say the least. Hopefully they will take the charges off because I mostly use my phone at night and I'm sure I'll be under the goddamn minutes.

Cell phone companies are money rapists.

I've felt very content in life lately, despite money issues and loneliness. Being alone really isn't that bad.

I haven't seen a lot of people in a long time, so lets hanggggg out. Call me <3

p.s.- I got a parking ticket for parking like 1 1/2 feet in the red. Stupid San Pedro and no parking.

sigh

2004-05-27T23:09:17Z

We say we aren't in love
But love each other just the same
And we make love and call it sex
Or the other way around.
And afterwards I fall asleep bare in your arms
Only to awake unprotected to nightmares
Carved into my memory
Like your intitials in my flesh.
We are inseperable yet not together.
So lies and misconceptions are acceptable
Because nothing is real.
I search for solace in you
As your icicle hands roam my body,
And freeze my beating heart.
Just as I froze you.
So who am I to place blame,
I lied to make you care
And ended up alone.

This song seemed appropriate. I am giving up, there is just no hope for something so devastatingly beautiful.

Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one who gets me like you do
You are my only my only one

Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one, no one like you
You are my only, my only one
My only one
My only one
My only one
You are my only, my only one

LOOK!

2004-05-26T07:36:35Z

I love my green duck.

From Alexis...

2004-05-23T22:43:58Z

If there is one person you can't stop thinking about, post this same exact sentence in your journal.

Hmmm

2004-05-21T21:17:47Z

I finally broke down and bought internet.. cable at that.

Congratulations to me!

Life is going pretty well, I feel a bit out of control at times but I've got good friends. I smoke too much, but that's okay. Been working a lot, come visit me!

I finally loaded pictures on myspace, anyone here have that that isn't already a friend?

Hah...

2004-04-20T22:36:48Z

On my hotmail homepage there was a link to a story. It's title was

"McDonalds CEO dies of heart attack"

How ironic =P

Where to begin...

2004-04-20T01:11:14Z

If I had constant internet access maybe I would update more.. but since forever ago, Rick and I moved into our own place together, that lasted six months, he is in the process of moving out.

Seems like we are going to be able to be civil to each other, if I keep my big mouth shut and learn that sometimes, things that don't necessarily make me happy might be better for me in the long run.

I work at Starbucks, pay is shit but I love the job, I made so many friends it is ridiculous, everyone is really great. Minus one or two. If anyone is around, it's the Starbucks by AMC 20 in Torrance, so come by and say HERRROOOOOO every once in awhile.

As I was reading old emails and reminiscing about the times when things really were good, and I really was happy, I happened across a few poems an old friend wrote that were buried in my mail. This one stung more than anything, so I figured sharing it would be okay, I take his permission without asking. =P

How long does it take to erase the past?
A lifetime of apology, a lifetime of sacrifice.
The past died the day the blood was shed,
The day I fell in love with this weapon unsheathed.

I let the life flow, would you like a taste?
This red is all for you,
I let the life flow, the warmth you can embrace.
This red is all for you.

I pulled the trigger,
And all it took was time,
Finally opened my heart to you,
And you fucking bled me dry.

I can blame no one but myself,
For not knowing what was right in front of me,
Just drink my last drop my love,
Its sweet taste will set me free.

This death I dedicate to you my dear,
It ends my regrets, and calms me of my deepest fears.
It’s the only thing I can ensure,
That when this all is over,
I’ll never again cause pain for you to endure.

I guess I'm doing alright in the given situation, but when things are shitty, they just are shitty. And I have to accept that. If this update makes anyone in particular mad, feel free to fuck off.

Interesting

2004-02-12T04:49:51Z

Stole this from Dean...

>Top 3's

Places you've had sex:
1-shower
2-car
3-beach

People you want to call you:
1-tracy
2-julie
3-anyone else to entertain me?

Movies:
1-practical magic
2-the little rascals =)
3-the lizzie mcguire movie.. ahhhh

Dance Clubs:
1- i
2- dont
3- dance

Days of the week:
1- monday
2- saturday
3- sunday

Songs to dance to:
1- i
2- dont
3- dance

Websites:
1- www.livejournal.com
2- www.engrish.com
3- www.hotmail.com

Fast food:
1- taco bell
2- mcdonalds (but only for the nuggets.. ::drool::)
3- in and out

Movies from the 80s
1- say anything
2-
3-

Bands from the 80s
1- none
2-
3-

Celebrities:
1- ummm
2-
3-

TV shows:
1- my big fat obnoxious fiance
2- friends
3- animal copssssssss or birth day are tied.

Recent CDs:
1- i want the new
2- dashboard
3- confessional BACK

soft drink:
1- dr pepper
2- root beer
3- orange soda

food:
1- macaroni and cheese
2- pizza
3- do root beer floats count

Crushes:
1- ummmm
2- duh
3-

jobs you've had:
1- LONGS DRUGS WOOOOOOO
2- Waitress at the Olive Garden
3- Starbucks

Friends:
1- Juliee
2- Tracy
3- ... I need more friens.

movies to make love to:
1- porn
2- ...
3- duh

bands live:
1- incubus
2- copeland ::tear::
3- ...

Things to do at night:
1- sleep
2- watch tv
3- eat

Articles of Clothing you own:
1- jeans
2- shirts
3- undies

Gossip stories you heard recently:
1- oh my god, this girl
2- they said she did it with her boyfriends
3- ..yeah who cares.

Color:
1- black
2- blue
3- red

people you hate talking to online:
1- people who put up an away in the middle of the conversation
2- my mom, she really cant spell and it's like talking to a foreigner
3- people who think they can apologize online or ask you out online, although that hasn't happened in about 5 years.

Halloween costumes youve done:
1- I was a duck once
2- And a butterfly
3- and a princess

Radio Stations:
1- kroq
2- star
3- kiis, if there is nothing on.

Songs you hate:
1- stupid fucking
2- outkast
3- song

Board Games:
1- SORRY!
2- Clue
3- Operation

Things that you like about you:
1- Eyes
2- little feet
3- my brain? or boobs.

Things you hate about you:
1- thighs, stomach, waist
2- "harry legs"
3- sideburns!

Music Videos:
1- i dont watch videos on tv
2-
3-

bitchbabejen @ 2004-01-03T20:03:00

2004-01-04T04:03:56Z

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY!

19.

Now I can buy porn, cigarettes, loterry tickets and get into strip clubs.

JUST LIKE LAST YEAR =P

Heh, why is this true

2003-11-08T06:02:51Z

J Jealousy.

E You are a very exciting person.

N You like to work, but you always want a break.

N You like to work, but you always want a break.

I You are always smiling & making others smile.

F Everyone loves you.

E You are a very exciting person.

R You are a social butterfly.

PS- there is something someone should read. hidden in a private place, protected by your old password.

Fuck everything

bitchbabejen @ 2006-11-11T03:32:00

bitchbabejen @ 2006-09-25T21:13:00

bitchbabejen @ 2006-07-04T17:59:00

wondering.

=)

mmm

heh.

bitchbabejen @ 2004-11-27T22:24:00

Ughh...

Grrrrr.

*sigh*

Well maybe I do have something to write about..

ughhh

Josh cracks me up

I feel like...

ARGH

*sigh*

LOOK!

From Alexis...

Hmmm

Hah...

Where to begin...

Interesting

bitchbabejen @ 2004-01-03T20:03:00

Heh, why is this true

sigh

sigh