Fuck everything [entries|friends|calendar] Jen [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[11 Nov 2006|03:32am] after a torturous week, i came home tonight disappointed and ready to sleep for at least twelve hours. obviously that was not the plan because 1) midnight mission jenn decided i needed to come get here 2) we went to get a midnight meal 3) realized we definitely didnt have enough money to pay the check 4) put what we had down and boned the fuck out. this is completely unlike me. im relatively good/legal. so after i stop giggling because we were already heading waaaay far down a main street before the fatty waitress came running out the door.. i drop off jenn. i take a weird way home because i dont want to drive back past the food joint, when i see this car heading like straight at me and i am like, what the fuck do i do, my options are to swerve into other oncoming traffic, brake, or try to get the fuck out of the way. luckily i dont have to do any of these because the dumbass durango driver swerved even more and hit a fire hydrant, soaking my car, both inside and out, of course my window was down at two am, why would it EVER be closed.. so, in short, i left my house at shortly before 1am bummed out and tired. and arrived home at 2:15am happy/nervous/giddy/exhausted. and am going to sleep. thank you jenn for a memorable evening. 3 Smashed it into a million pieces . X .Break My Heart.

[25 Sep 2006|09:13pm] Yeeeeeah. Not as bad as it could be, but the entire drivers side of my car needs to be replaced. the largest estimate came to $6,300. Something about my car maybe being considered totalled because the frame is bent.. who knows. Thank god someone hit me and I'm not paying for this myself. NEVER MY FAULT! 6 Smashed it into a million pieces . X .Break My Heart.

[04 Jul 2006|05:59pm] happy fourth of july. life isnt what it used to be, and I am completely fine with that. <3 Break My Heart.

wondering. [13 Jan 2006|10:40pm] [ mood | weird ] [ music | something bad. ] New Years Update. -My new years was okay. Nothing spectacular. -My 21st birthday was horrible. There's no going beyond that. I went to jury duty. and that was the highlight of the entire day. -I got a tattoo on my foot that got infected, leaving me gimpy and out of work for a week. Leaving me more.. -Broke. Broker than usual, since I pretty much had two weeks off because of jury duty + my stupid foot. -I got into a fight with my mom, and anyone who knows how close I am with my mom will realize that when I say we haven't talked in four days knows that that is a really, really long time. I cared about someone who hurt me. Repeatedly. Call me drama, call me whatever the fuck you want. I'm twenty-one years old and I'm not perfect. I put myself out there and wasn't even noticed. I didn't ask for anything besides respect and some common decency. I didn't want anything beyond a friendship, despite whatevers gone on for however many years. Knowing you on a 'friend' level would make me reject ever wanting anything besides a good laugh and an occasional decent fuck. You're a great person, well, you're a great person towards those who you feel have earned the right to be treated nicely by you. Everyone else doesn't matter. I always wondered who you thought you were to act with such disdain for people who don't fit the mold of whatever is it you seek out. I guess it's not my job to judge you either. My question is: does the fact that I still care about someone who hurt me and want only the best for them despite however it makes me feel finally make me a grown up, or does it make me a fool? Now that I've written this I don't even know if I want the answer. +Don't assume you know who this is about. The truth might surprise you.+ 5 Smashed it into a million pieces . X .Break My Heart.

=) [05 Jul 2005|11:04am] [ mood | happy ] [ music | Jenn and Diaz sleeping (Diaz snoring) ] Fourth of July was amazing. A little scary, but still great. Life has not felt this good for a really, really long time. Finally. I never update, so here's a quick summary- I bought a brand new car, moved into my own house with Erica and Matt. Matt moved out a few weeks ago. Not too bummed about it, it's for the better. I work a ton, I sleep a little, and I hang out as much as possible. The end. 1 Smashed it into a million pieces . X .Break My Heart.

mmm [24 Jan 2005|07:22pm] so matt and i are broken up at the moment. im not sure what protocol to follow when you live with someone and break up. im pretty much dying inside. they should give a handbook for dealing with difficult people. lessons for love how to handle it when your fantasies turn into tragedies and your whole life turns upside down. 2 Smashed it into a million pieces . X .Break My Heart.

heh. [19 Jan 2005|03:44pm] i tried to post a blog on myspace. but it wouldnt work. ill probably copy paste later. i am seriously pissed off at everything and anything for absolutely no reason right now. i dont feel well, i haven't slept well in ages, i haven't had a day off in as long as i can remember. life is bringing me down and its bringing me down fast. i thought having a second job would make it easier to survive, just because i would have more money. i'm discovering that if i work so much i dont have time to spend the money i earn.. it's just as pointless as not having it in the first place. i hate the way things ended up with me and matt. i believed that childhood fantasy that lasted into my twenties that we would end up together no matter what, through thick and thin, we've both said it. "No matter what." "You should be next to me always." I think we even promised we would never break up once, but what good are promises when anything you have said prior has no meaning. Our entire relationship has been built on a series of lies, or misconceptions, on both our ends, and I am completely sick of it. -I am sick of feeling like this. -I am sick of crying. -I am sick of not eating. -I am sick of being yelled at. -I am sick of being a shell of who I used to be. I remember back to how I was in high school and even after high school, and I was FUN. People wanted to be around me. Now I'm not so sure. -I am sick of learning things I never wanted to know. -I am sick of doing things for people I care for only to learn they never gave a fuck. -I am sick of finding out people's true personalities are nothing lose to what they put out there. -I am so tired. My body aches twenty four hours a day. -I have had a headache for an all time record of seven days, falling asleep in pain and waking up in pain do not make for the start of a good day. -My car is broken, again. Here goes another $600. -I registered for school, but cant afford to pay for it because I have to pay for my car. Lovely that when I finally get my act together to go to school, I can't. Pluses for the past few months. +I quit smoking, pretty much. It makes me throw up to smoke now. Weird how that happened. +I've been talking to Cortney all day and even though I was crying it was so nice to talk to someone who didn't judge me while I explained myself. I'm pretty sure that's it. I miss Matt so much. I miss who he was, I miss who I was. I miss what we were together before we both became monsters. I miss waking up to someone who held me even tighter the second I tried to get up. I miss cuddling for hours and kisses and hugs. I miss a happy home. He sleeps next to me and it's become a million miles away. 1 Smashed it into a million pieces . X .Break My Heart.

[27 Nov 2004|10:24pm] being this unhappy is really painful. 4 Smashed it into a million pieces . X .Break My Heart.

Ughh... [24 Nov 2004|05:01pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | News at 5 ] I hardly ever update livejournal anymore. I guess having no time, plus people to talk to in real life kind of takes away from venting online. Plus, I think I know most of my lj friends in real life. Starbucks finally told me they were promoting me. Idiots. My office manager/receptionist job at the Yoga and Pilates Center rocks more than I could ever explain... I think having to much time to "myspace it up" as my friend said, and talk to people didn't do me good. It really sucks when someone you thought you could be great friends with suddenly treats you like nothing. I guess real caring comes later, so it's easy to write people off. I wouldn't really know. Found my horoscope interesting. Sort of. Dear Jennifer, Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, November 24: Love affairs will be unusual, spontaneous and highly exciting -- all of which may leave you feeling a bit unsettled. Don't let it get to you. Enjoy the unpredictability, and just let go. Ughh. I'm tired of talking. Ps- I hate holidays when I'm feeling like shit. 1 Smashed it into a million pieces . X .Break My Heart.

Grrrrr. [08 Aug 2004|10:12pm] [ mood | happy ] [ music | Sarah McLaughlin: Possesion ] So I sat wondering almost all day why I act the way I do most of the time. After tequila night and the revelation that being with you isn't exactly on the top of my list anymore, I wonder what leads me to call you each day, to see you each day, and to still yearn to be next to you. Sure, us together makes sense. It's been so long, and we've been through so much. And we care. We both care so much. So maybe 'trying it for a week' wouldn't hurt either of us. But would it benefit you? Probably. But would it benefit me? Probably. We've lived in this land of in between for so long, I've convinced myself being one or the other wouldn't really make a difference. Except it would. It would make a huge difference. I'm a big believer in the 'people are only honest when they are drunk' idea. So maybe that's what you are. And your everyday life is your own lie. You think you know what's right for you. But life gets so old without meaning. You are a huge part of my meaning. Why can't I be yours? Break My Heart.

*sigh* [26 Jul 2004|12:56am] each time i hear this one person jumps into my mind and flops around like a fish out of water. "Comfortable" I just remembered, that time at the market snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart And rode down, aisle 5 you looked behind you to smile back at me crashed into a rack full of magazines they asked us if we could leave. Can't remember, what went wrong last September But I'm sure that you'd remind me, if you had to Our love was, comfortable and so broken in I sleep with this new girl i'm still getting used to my friends all approve, say she's gonna be good for you they throw me, high fives She says the bible is all that she reads and prefers that I not use profanity your mouth was, so dirty Life of the party and she swears that she's artsy but you could distinguish Miles from Coltrane Our love was, comfortable and so broken in she's perfect, so flawless or so they say, say She thinks I can't see the smile that she's fakin' and poses for pictures that aren't being taken I loved you grey sweat pants, no makeup, so perfect Our love was, comfortable and so broken in she's perfect, so flawless I'm not impressed, I want you back Except I don't want you back, you treated me like shit. but reminiscing is okay. Break My Heart.

Well maybe I do have something to write about.. [15 Jul 2004|05:07pm] 1) Work sucks, there is a lot of drama and a lot of shit talking. But I suppose that when you put people different kinds of people together, they are going to form their own cliques, based on the most ridiculous things. Being the youngest employee there and one of the most mature leads me to not want to be a pretentious asshole, despite the joy found in lowering to the level of others. 2) I've been offered a job in Vail, Colorado for the winter season. A free place to live, unlimited skiing and snowboarding all season, plus great wages without having to pay for much of anything. It seems too good a deal to pass up, but I know there are people here I would miss more than I can even understand. But I'm realizing a lot about myself, and think it will probably just be another growing experience. That's all this year has been. I feel like I went from eighteen to twenty-five on my nineteenth birthday. And even at twenty-five, I don't know if I could have handled this horrible year any better. 3) And okay, call it illegal. Call it spiteful, call it being retarded or jealous or bored, but I was reading some of my ex's email and in a letter to the girlfriend right before me, a sentence containing "yeah I broke up with that trendy little pretty girl, SHE WASN'T MY TYPE!!" was within the message. Now, okay. Trendy isn't exactly a compliment, but if he was trying to put me down, I'd say he failed. http://www.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=451432&Mytoken=20040715172038 add me on myspace if you are there <3 Break My Heart.

ughhh [28 Jun 2004|06:54pm] [ mood | angry ] [ music | sarah mclaughlin: stupid ] i have a feeling i'm going to be dicked out of $347.87. we'll see. if there is a way to get money back from someone who owes it to you, someone let me know. Break My Heart.

Josh cracks me up [23 Jun 2004|01:38pm] [ mood | STINKY! ] [ music | Him: Bury Me Deep Inside Your Arms ] Conversations with Josh can always make my day ***: get a suger daddy? ***: you should hook up with some old guy thats like 99 and is going to die in a week or so and have him put you in the will I3itchbabejen: omg I3itchbabejen: youre so digsusting I3itchbabejen: YOU DO IT ***: hey anna nicole did it ***: now she is rich I3itchbabejen: i dont care!!!! thats so gross I3itchbabejen: OLD BALLS! ***: Id do it if the guy is going to die in a few weeks and is going to leave me lots of money......yeah id service him for those last moments for that cash I3itchbabejen: oh josh. =( ***: he would say to me.... You are the best woman I have ever been with.... Little dose he know that I am a man but he is just to old to tell the diffrence I3itchbabejen: how would he do you? I3itchbabejen: you know what, nevermind. ***: you know what I got that all planed out see I would go to the local pet store and get somethign that is female. HE wouldent know ti would be dark I3itchbabejen: you scare me and then later ***: if your not emo then we will make you emo *josh looks at emo girls very afraid* Quick hold him down and stab him with this razor blade till he crys and then when he crys he can be emo too ***: they are takeing over ***: must...stop...it I wish I had something more important to post about rather than posting conversations. But life is good, people are back from college, and I am having fun <3 Break My Heart.

I feel like... [12 Jun 2004|12:41pm] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | Tokyo Rose- I love you too ] You were incessently smashing my face into the ground I kept begging you to stop, and finally You did. But only for long enough to laugh and spit in my wounds before doing it again. ----- An uninvolved being has felt it necessary To take other people's responsibilities and lives Into their own hands Someone who yearns to play God, Will ruin perfection And alter beauty And create a monster of the world. ----- I am constantly fearful of something Fearing becoming no one Or becoming someone. Fearing someone who claims they love me For it is always conditional. Fearing having nothing to look forward to When everything is dark anyway. Fearing being all consumed by fear But it seems I'm already there. ----- Hurt always follows me when you are around And the cigarette you always hold between your fingers Has burned hate into my soul I despise you And I wish that was enough. ----- Break My Heart.

ARGH [04 Jun 2004|02:32pm] [ mood | lazy ] [ music | Dead Poetic - Glass in the Trees ] I work tonight from 4:45p-12:45a Which really wouldn't be that bad, if I didn't have to be back at work at 5:00a the next morning! YAY for four hours and fifteen minutes between shifts! I guess I can't complain, I took the extra shift tonight to help cover bills. Speaking of bills, my cell phone totally fucked me over. When I signed up for the plan, the guy told me it was a promotional thing, for $39.99 a month I would get 1000 anytime minutes and UNLIMITED nights and weekends. A $250 bill later, I had 600 minutes, no nights and weekends free. Yeahhhhh, I am pissed, to say the least. Hopefully they will take the charges off because I mostly use my phone at night and I'm sure I'll be under the goddamn minutes. Cell phone companies are money rapists. I've felt very content in life lately, despite money issues and loneliness. Being alone really isn't that bad. I haven't seen a lot of people in a long time, so lets hanggggg out. Call me <3 p.s.- I got a parking ticket for parking like 1 1/2 feet in the red. Stupid San Pedro and no parking. 3 Smashed it into a million pieces . X .Break My Heart.

*sigh* [27 May 2004|04:01pm] [ mood | exhausted ] [ music | Yellowcard - Only One ] We say we aren't in love But love each other just the same And we make love and call it sex Or the other way around. And afterwards I fall asleep bare in your arms Only to awake unprotected to nightmares Carved into my memory Like your intitials in my flesh. We are inseperable yet not together. So lies and misconceptions are acceptable Because nothing is real. I search for solace in you As your icicle hands roam my body, And freeze my beating heart. Just as I froze you. So who am I to place blame, I lied to make you care And ended up alone. This song seemed appropriate. I am giving up, there is just no hope for something so devastatingly beautiful. Broken this fragile thing now And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces And I've thrown my words all around But I can't, I can't give you a reason I feel so broken up (so broken up) And I give up (I give up) I just want to tell you so you know Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you You are my only one I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do You are my only, my only one Made my mistakes, let you down And I can't, I can't hold on for too long Ran my whole life in the ground And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone And something's breaking up (breaking up) I feel like giving up (like giving up) I won't walk out until you know Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you You are my only one I let go, there's just no one who gets me like you do You are my only my only one Here I go so dishonestly Leave a note for you my only one And I know you can see right through me So let me go and you will find someone Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you You are my only one I let go, there's just no one, no one like you You are my only, my only one My only one My only one My only one You are my only, my only one Break My Heart.

LOOK! [26 May 2004|12:36am] I love my green duck. 1 Smashed it into a million pieces . X .Break My Heart.

From Alexis... [23 May 2004|03:42pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Coffee Stain : Sarah Harmon ] If there is one person you can't stop thinking about, post this same exact sentence in your journal. Break My Heart.

Hmmm [21 May 2004|02:13pm] [ mood | happy ] [ music | Yellowcard - Miles Apart ] I finally broke down and bought internet.. cable at that. Congratulations to me! Life is going pretty well, I feel a bit out of control at times but I've got good friends. I smoke too much, but that's okay. Been working a lot, come visit me! I finally loaded pictures on myspace, anyone here have that that isn't already a friend? 2 Smashed it into a million pieces . X .Break My Heart.

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